Gotta joke you would like to share with us........

[fatboy]

Q...Where do you weigh whales






A...At a Whale Weigh Station

[fatboy]

A little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jazus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'

[MrStevey]

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!





MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.


Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Prime Minister Gillard condemns the ant and blames John Howard, Robert Menzies, Capt James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, Labor in conjunction with the Greens draft the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighbourhood.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2010.

I’ve sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant – not a grasshopper! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants.
Don’t bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn’t understand it, anyway.

[fatboy]

Irish Water shortage




>
>
> Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

[The Cleaner]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,

And if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "